Heero Yuy Goes to Hell
by Mizuki Ishida
Summary: Heero and Duo die, Duo goes to hell and Heero has a new mission. Chapter 11 finally up!
1. The Strangeness Begins

Heero Yuy Goes to Hell  
  
This story is based off of the writing style and is a loose retelling of 'Samurai Cat Goes to Hell' by Mark E. Rogers. Genre: Humor, AU, cross over Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, Sailor Moon, Trigun, Inuyasha, Tenchi Muyo, YuYu Hakusho, or any other anime I've borrowed characters from. Nor do I own the book 'Samurai Cat Goes to Hell' (read it, it's good!!!!) Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, AU4+not very willing 3, 5x?, HieiXKurama, and lots of other happy couples later on. Recommendations: Drink about two liters of your favorite high caffeine drink prior to reading. Warnings: Shounen ai/yaoi, shojo ai/yuri, OOCness out the wazoo, random strangeness, Relena bashing, slight Dorothy bashing, major dubbie bashing, Wendee Lee bashing, Pokemon/Yugioh bashing, Britney Spears bashing, lots of random people bashing, character villanization, Chibi-Usa, lots of pinkness, over-sexed AU Quatre, sweet snow abuse, fluffiness, do not read if you have no sense of humor, can't stand bad jokes, do not like blood, or if you like (heaven forbid) 1xR. Couldn't fit in all the characters I wanted to, so I picked my favs. You have been duly warned. See you on the other side.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
The mission was going great; at least that's what it looked like from a bystander's point of view. All those cinematic explosions and gunfire made for nice eye candy for the pyromaniac in all of us. But looks were deceiving. The two Gundams were both badly damaged, Deathscythe was missing an arm and sending off frighteningly large sparks while Wing was faring only slightly better. But this was the last mission, the LAST! Everything would be over after this. The pilots could lead something almost akin to normal lives. Or at least that was the plan. But things weren't going to be going according to plan. After mowing down the last mobile dolls Heero turned Wing so that he could get Deathscythe on his screen. Three seconds went by. Then a sight that caused Heero's insides to freeze unfurled. The badly damaged Gundam before him exploded. And not some namby pamby, explosion that leaves the cockpit intact or anything. Deathscythe all but vaporized in an instant taking with it the one person Heero cared about. And this is one of those dramatic, sad moments where you'd expect our grief stricken hero to go "NOOOOOOO!!!" or something else so overused. Not the case. Heero's eyes simply glazed over and he slumped in his seat, hitting a certain button that usually never works properly. Until today.  
  
Duo stood before a huge set of doors. They seemed familiar but he just couldn't place where he'd seen them before. As if on cue, the doors swung open, nearly knocking Duo on his bum. Behind the door was lots of petty shojo style fog and a woman holding a tall, key shaped staff. "Welcome to Final Judgment." She intoned solemnly. "Due to a change in management you will be going straight to Hell, no penance, or plea bargaining." Duo wrinkled his nose, "What? Why am I going to Hell? I know I'm not a good person and all that crap but what's with this 'Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars' stuff?" Setsuna shrugged, "Don't ask me, I just work here." And with that, waved her staff opening a huge hole under Duo's feet. "I want to talk to my lawyeeeeeerrrrrr!!!"  
  
The fall was unbearable. Horrible music that must have been what elevator music was weakly modeled after played all around Duo as he plummeted, trying to stuff his braid in his ears to dull the mind numbing sound. Suddenly, Duo was jerked to a stop in front of a counter. Hovering midair, he read the sign 'Gratuitous Frisking'. That didn't sound good. "Um, excuse me! Could we forgo the frisking and just send me back?" After a moment, someone appeared at the counter. The stranger, clad in black and purple robes, looked Duo over. "Sorry, I don't do guys." Miroku waved over his shoulder. Out from the sparkly shojo fog came another man who, from the way he eyed Duo, had no problem frisking the self proclaimed Shinigami. "He's all yours, Dee." Duo's famous violet eyes widened. "No, really. I haven't got anything on me!" The Deathscythe pilot twisted, trying to get away from our happy bisexual frisker, and found the string that was keeping him in front of the twisted, 'Did we really need this in the story', counter. Giving the evil string a sharp pull, Duo found himself falling once more though elevator music fuzzy fog land. Towards a big pile or rocks. Which he hit. Hard.  
  
Duo picked himself up off of the ground, rubbing his bum and looking around. Waves of nausea swept over him. Pink. Duo never expected Hell to be so PINK!! He turned and vomited, making at least one small patch of the awful place unpink. "What do you think you're doing, Braid Boy?" Duo turned warily towards the speaker and was rewarded with a sharp poke below the belt with a pink pitchfork. "Hey! I need that!" Covering himself, he glared at the speaker. It looked rather like a putrid demon. He looked closer.... it was wearing a Sanc Kingdom School girl's uniform. The horror! Turning a delicate shade of green Duo tried to stand up straight. This was rewarded with a jab in the chest with said pink pitchfork. "Time to get in line." The skirt-wearing demon grinned, prodding Duo along in all sorts of uncomfortable places. Our Braided Hero stumbled dazedly into a long queue, noticing the people it consisted of. There were Yuikito Tsukishiro and Toya Kinomoto, behind them was Nicholas D. Wolfwood followed closely by Count D. "What is this shit!" Duo yelled, "None of us deserve to be in Hell!" He thought about it, "Well, maybe D, but that's only because he let those animals eat people...but he's still cool! And maybe Wolfwood shot a kid but...umm where was I?" More hideous schoolgirl demons brandished their girly, but nonetheless sharp, pitchforks at him. "Shut up, scum!" One yelled, "You are all in Hell because Re-- I mean Satan has it in for you. So there!" The demon blew a raspberry and then, instead of stabbing Duo, settled for stabbing everyone's favorite pet shop owner. Which pissed off the author very much. The naughty, bad demon imploded. Yay. Duo grumbled as more anime characters lined up behind them, none of them deserving to be in Hell. Satan was one dead demon if Duo ever reached him. And what had happened to Heero? 


	2. On with the craziness

Ok, if you've read chapter 1, you got most of the warnings. Further warnings will pop up as more strange things occur. Such as the addition of more yummy boyxboy couples and more ummm, me being myself. And as you've noticed chapter breaks and change of POV run amok in my little world. Live with it or go away (pouts) Wait, no, I want you to read my story ^_^  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Heero blinked at his surroundings, the entire base was gone, his gundam was gone, everything was gone. Well, not everything. His clothes were still there (fans: Boooooooo! Hisssss!) and there was some kind of ground that his still sneaker clad feet were standing on. Which must mean his mission was almost complete. One last thing was left. Self-destruction. Heero pulled out the nifty little gizmo that was supposed to make Heero splat out of him and was about to utter one of his famous lines before pushing the button when someone reached out and slapped him. Big mistake. With an 'Omae o korosu', Heero has whipped out the gun he hides Duo only knows where and pointed it at the offending slapper. It was a spiky haired blond guy in a red trench coat. "No, suicide is wrong!" Vash put on one of his most disarming faces, which would have worked on most other people. Not Heero, though. "I've completed my mission, lost my boyfriend, and now I'm supposed to blow up!" "Why?" Heero looked mildly confused, "B-because the author wants me to be in a suicide situation. That's why she went and killed Duo, the bitch!" Everyone's favorite Spandex Wearing Psycho Boy raised the detonator again, only to have it yoinked out of his hand by the much taller sharpshooter. "I said no. And anyways; your mission isn't over yet." Heero, who was vainly trying to unjam his suddenly jammed up gun, looked up. "Nani?" Vash gave the odd little boy (as seen in Vash-Vision [tm]) a smile, "Y'see, the big guy upstairs lost his realm due to a hostile takeover by the Que—I mean, the Prince of Darkness and everyone since then has been sent to Hell, good or bad." Heero glared for all he was worth at the nut job and crossed his arms. "And this concerns me, how?" The author groaned and picked Yuy up by his tank top. "Look here my yummy little pilot. As much as I like you, you need to just accept this mission, go to Hell, and kill Satan. Ok? Be good and I may let you have your way with Duo later on." After dropping Heero the story resumes. "Dammit, are all fan fic authors like her?" The Humanoid Typhoon just shrugged, "Beats me. Now get going." Heero sighed, "Ninmu ryokai." Thus letting the author have her own way and getting on with the fic.  
  
The trip to the front gates of Hell was completely uneventful. Hence the reason it has been left out, no one wants to read boring junk like that. Heero looked at the clearing in front of the gates, it was full of people. More precisely, it was full of Britney Spears fans. The width and breadth of America and other countries her music has brainwashed. All seemed to be in excruciating pain. Good. Though Heero wondered what was playing through the headphones clamped to their ears to cause it. "They're eternally damned to listen to Polka." A familiar figure was standing not too far behind Heero. "Wufei? Why are you in Hell?" The Chinese pilot in his shiny white clothes blinked in mild surprise. "Umm...Oh yes, I am supposed to be your guide because the weak onna of an author can't just let you go by yourself." Leading the slightly befuddled, spandex clad Japanese pilot to the doors, Wufei stopped to the side of the huge gates. Above the expected 'Abandon all hope ye that enter here', scrawled in less than perfect handwriting, was about fifty different little limericks and poems, each one scratched out as the writer got frustrated, thus leaving the traditional quote and lots of scribbly crap. Wu-man pushed open a small side-door; revealing the full on, vomit inducing, mind searing pinkness of Hell. Heero reflexively pulled out his gun, firing several rounds into the offending landscape before gaining control of himself. He looked over at Wu- wu Justice Boy who just watched with an amused smirk, which he quickly wiped from his face. "Come on, Heero. It's a long way to Hell for Mad Scientists and Other Useful Characters The Author Couldn't Find a Place For." Wufei gasped for breath. "So we'd better get going." Heero twitched an eyebrow, "Why?" "Because you'll need all the help you can get to defeat Satan. And you want to see Duo, don't you?" "Duo's in Hell?"  
  
Duo grumbled; his feet were all but falling asleep as he stood in line waiting his turn for...whatever the line was for. As D was dragged off by the sadistic skirted demons, Duo got his first look at what he was in line for. It looked like court. Yuck. Looking over the judges, Duo was only slightly surprised by who he saw. One person had a badge on his/her/it's chest that said 'Censor', next to the censor was a Telletubbie (no one gives a whooping funt which one it was), on the censor's other side was yet another charactery type person no one gave a damn about but looked like it would be annoying as...well, here. "Duo Maxwell!" The censor banged a big squeaky gavelly type thingie. "You are here to be sentenced for your crimes against humanity!" The Telletubbie stood, holding up a long sheet of paper. "Crime one, being gay. Crime two, using all kinds of naughty language. Um...crime...three..." The Telletubbie squinted at the paper, "Who spilled coffee on this thing? I can't read it!" And here the author once again gets out of having to think any more. The thing on the other end of the table stood, "Never mind," it said in a very Billy Joe Bob sort of voice, "This here homersexual needs to have the book thrown at him." Duo, who during the proceedings had built a life size paperclip statue of Heero (anatomically correct, of course) looked up. "What? What does any of that have to do with anything?" He ducked as a large book came flying at him, just missing hitting Duo in the head and clipping the Heero statue. "Did that have to happen? And why am I asking so many questions? Argh, there I go again!" Picking up the paperclip Heero, Duo smashed in the censor's head with it. And everyone was happy, except the Telletubbie and thingiemajigger. They were mad and decided to have some of the ever-present girly demons cart our loudmouthed, braid having, black clad, violet eyed and all that jazz boy off into the pinkness that awaited him.  
  
'Ok, if I see anymore pink I'm gonna gouge my eyes out.' Duo grumped mentally as he dangled from the grasp of the two demons. Throughout the trip over the pink landscape he had watched other anime characters getting all kinds of cruel treatment. But on an up note, he also saw people who actually should be there getting what they deserved. "My arms hurt! Are we there yet?" The demon holding his left arm twitched slightly. This was the thousandth time Duo had asked. Looking over at its companion it mouthed 'Drop him?'. The other demon nodded and they let go of Duo's arms at almost the same time. Totally unprepared for this, Braided Baka Bum Bum Boy didn't land on his feet or his bum but on his head. Slapping a big bandage that he got from nowhere on his head Duo turned to the author, "You know, I'm tired of you dropping me every where. Why don't you go see what Heero's doing before you throw me off a cliff or something?" He sniffled and put on the whole dewy eyed, don't you like me any more kind of face. "Ok, I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you later in the story. Don't get into trouble while I'm gone."  
  
So, leaving Duo to his own devices, we check in on Heero and Wufei. We find our boys wandering towards a big, slimy, pinkish tinged river. It looked like melted lipstick. Even the author is having a hard time holding in the contents of her stomach at the sight of it. Floating near the bank was a pink punt complete with pink punk poling pole. Wufei looked at it for a moment then, remembering his lines, shouted, "Injustice onna! I am not poling Yuy around Hell on a pink punt!" Heero watched Wufei rant and then, quite suddenly, one of Wu's eyebrows split. Realizing the odd look Heero was giving him, he reached up, felt the mightily forked eyebrow, wet a finger, and smoothed it back down. Gun drawn yet again, Mr. Omae o Korosu put on his trademarked glare. "Who are you?" "Geeze Heero, it's me, Wufei. Weak minded moron who's going senile." He crossed his arms and looked pointedly at the author, "And I refuse to pole around a pink boat!" The author, looking rather peeved at all of this, grabbed a box labeled 'random filler characters' and pulled out one. "Ok, then. You get to be poled around Hell by (tadaa) Jaken!" And she set the toady little demon henchman on the bank. "Now be happy or I'll have to take drastic measures." "What drastic measures?" The author grinned wickedly, "I can turn that little question mark up in the 5x? to Jaken." Wufei gulped and looked at the toady thing, "No!" "Good. Have fun now." Now that the author has finished interfering with everything, we continue. Jaken climbed onto the punt and grabbed the pink pole with distaste. Heero distinctly heard toady thing mutter under it's breath, "Sesshoumaru-sama would never make me do this, the boat was NEVER pink! Maybe a bit fluffy, but never pink!" All safely loaded in the icky boat, our boys gave each other an odd look as Jaken turned to the camera with big teary eyes, "Where are you Sesshoumaru- sama?!" 


	3. Fluffy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, InuYasha, YuYu Hakusho, Ranma ½, Sailor Moon, or any of the other animes I've borrowed characters from. If I did I'd be one happy girl. Warnings: Nothing much, more pinkness, fluffiness, hints of shonen ai, and more silliness. Notes: I claim this writer's block in the name of Heero's thong! (jams pole bearing said article of clothing on it into the writer's block)  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Sesshoumaru was on his way to Hell's council chamber. Naturally, I mean, who else would be on Hell's High Council? Well, you will see who else is there if Fluffy would hurry up already and get there! Fluffy, "It's Sesshoumaru and I'll walk as slowly as I please, human." The author grumbled, "You know, I could have you replaced if you don't cooperate." Sesshoumaru stopped dead in his tracks. "You can't do that! No one could replace me!" He was answered with a loud snapping of authorial fingers. Into the hallway sauntered your favorite thief and mine, Youko Kurama (fan girls: YAY!!). Beware: The following scene depicts why fluffy uber bishonen shouldn't be in the same room. Youko reached out and grabbed His Royal Fluffiness's...umm...fluffy O_o, intent on stealing the interesting item of apparel. "Ooohh, nice. I'm sure it would look much better on me." Breaking out of the shock that anyone would dare to touch him, Sesshoumaru hauled off and sissy slapped Kurama. "Wait, 'sissy slapped'?" Sesshoumaru glared, "I don't sissy slap and you know it!" Meanwhile, Youko was strutting around wrapped in Sesshoumaru's boa looking for Hiei. Sesshoumaru grabbed the youko by his fluffy silver tail, "Give me back my BOA!!" Youko Kurama let out an indignant squeak. (fan girls: Kawaii!) What ensued was a very interesting fight between fluffy whip wielding demon bishies. There was much flaring of long pale hair and various amazing attacks the author doesn't feel like describing. You'll just have to use your imagination. Finally tiring of the battling bishi action, the author separated the now mussed up fluffies. "Now, I need Sesshoumaru to go to the council chamber. You, Kurama," And here the author snapped her fingers again, reverting him from fluffy silver haired youkoness to redheaded human like bishiness. "I'll need you later. Go 'play' with Hiei for a while or something." Looking very happy at the prospect of spending time with his vertically challenged Jaganashi, Kurama dashed out of the picture. That out of the way, Sesshoumaru continued his walk.  
  
Finally reaching the doors to the chamber and opening them, we meet the other members of the Council. Whoopee. Oh, wait there are still readers here. The Council Chamber was, wait, come on, guess. That's right! It was pink! Glorious vomit inducing pinkness! As Sesshoumaru took his seat at the table we take a moment to make silly faces at each of the other council members. Seated to left of our cuddly boa wearing doggie demon was Kodachi Kuno, on her left was (shudder) Chibi-Usa aka Cotton Candy Head, further along was Ayeka. Even more annoying characters were seated around the table, but the author can't come up with ANYONE more annoying than Ayeka or Chibi-Usa at the moment, so we'll just leave it at this for now. "Are we all here, then?" An irritating and disturbingly familiar voice came from the far end of the table. "Yes, Satan," The assembled Council replied. The camera panned across the table to rest on 'Satan'. And if you haven't guessed who it is by now I have absolutely no sympathy for you. Relena stood, "Right then. And stop with this 'Satan' stuff. I am the Queen of the Underworld!" Her eyes glazed over and she began mumbling, "It's the only way to get my Heero...MY Heero...Heeeeeeerrrrooooooo." The Council members looked at each other uncomfortably as their leader slipped into her own twisted little fantasy world. 'I can't believe that this ningen is the ruler of Hell. She must've followed Satan around for a month at least just talking about her plans.' Sesshoumaru's face minutely twisted, showing his distaste, 'Satan's probably on some tropical island enjoying himself right now while we're stuck with this.' The other Council members started playing card games, playing with dollies, and eating cookies while they awaited Relena's return to semi-sanity.  
  
A/N: Sorry bout the shortness of the chapter, but like I said Writer's Block! X_X Chapter four is already in the works. I hope it will be funnier. 


	4. Splat!

Disclaimer: I still don't own GW, or Sailor Moon, or Inu-Yasha. I don't own the songs 'Evolution' or 'Otome Ranman'. Quit bugging me about it already.  
  
Warnings: Um, same old same old, though there is actually some seriousness here. Woe is me, I'm being halfway serious!  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Heero was ready to jump overboard. For the past twenty-five minutes he had been subjected to Jaken trying to sing Hangashi Ayumi's 'Evolution'. The problem not totally being Jaken's voice, but the fact that he knew almost none of the words to the song. Twenty-five minutes of "Mumble mumble kitto, mumble mumble boku, mumble I don't know the words because she sings too damned fast! Wow yeah, wow yeah, wow wow wow yeah!" It could push anyone over the edge of insanity. Heero looked out of the corner of his eye at Wufei and was horrified. Wu-man was tapping his foot and seemed to be enjoying the croaking, mangled song. Shrinking away from him, Heero asked, "Where are we going again?" Wufei stopped his toe tapping. "We're going to get reinforcements. You're going to be taking on Satan, you'll need all the help you can get." The toe tapping resumed as toady finally stopped singing 'Evolution'...and started singing 'Otome Ranman'. 'This really IS hell,' Heero thought as they continued onwards.  
  
They finally reached their destination and upon disembarking Heero kicked Jaken into the viscous pink river and watched him sink with a satisfied smirk. He turned back to let Wufei lead him into the large pink and evilly girly building. 'I wonder how much longer I could stand this before going blind' Wu walked along, humming under his breath. He stopped before the doors with a big grin, "Welcome to Hell for Mad Scientists and Other Useful Characters the Author Couldn't Find a Place For!" Wu-wu coughed and gasped for breath, "Kisama! If you make me say that one more time I'll run my katana through you!" The author simply stuck her tongue out at the enraged Justice Boy. "Wufei...there's something sticking out of your hair." Heero grabbed the long, light blond strands of hair that were hanging from the left side of Wu's head. "Um, this onna is stressing me out so badly that I'm going grey?" He yanked the hair out of Heero's grasp and threw open the doors. Inside were a small handful of familiar faces and many others that Spandex Boy didn't recognize at all. He did see Dr. J and quickly tried to hide behind Wufei from the freaky and now black t-shirt wearing scientist. He seemed convinced that he was a certain blond idiot, as he posed and flexed his non-existent muscles. Heero whimpered as he was led through the crowd, hoping no one would take notice of him. He stopped hiding when he heard a familiar laugh. Looking out from behind his human shield, Heero was shocked. There was Duo, his Duo, with two girls sitting in his lap! One had short dark blond hair, the other had waves of aqua hair flowing over her shoulders. "So Haruka," Duo patted the blond on the bottom, causing her to giggle, "How about we all..." He trailed off when he saw Heero. "Oh, Hey buddy! I was wonder when you'd show up." Ignoring Heero's hurt expression he rambled on, "Hell isn't all that bad! There's lots of great people, and the girls are all easy!" The black clad pilot gave a theatrical wink. "B- but Duo...koi..." Heero looked on the verge of tears. Here was Duo, he'd found him so quickly, but he wasn't the same. Oh sure, he was cheerful and talkative, but he was acting as though he and Heero were just friends. Duo was eyeing him strangely, "Koi? Dude, what the hell? Did you hit your head or something?" He got up from the chair, shedding the two girls and walked up to the distraught Japanese pilot. "Are you ok?" He placed a hand on Heero's forehead, "You look like you're gonna pass out." Duo tried to jerk back when the other boy grabbed his shoulders and pulled him close. "Have you forgotten?" Heero's voice was hoarse, "Forgotten about us?" He looked into Duo's eyes, tears welling in his own at the look of disgust on the violet eyed boy's face. He shoved Duo away, turning his back on where he lay on the ground. "Wufei, what is this? This can't be real..." His voice broke, "That can't be Duo." His eyes fixed on Wufei, or rather the person in Wufei's clothing. The Black ponytail was gone and in its place was long light blond hair, hugely forked eyebrows stood out from a face bearing a snooty expression. "Oh, but it is real Heero." Dorothy chuckled, "Death opened his eyes to reality." She shuddered, "Gayness is gross!" Heero snarled and pulled his gun, aiming at the blond. The entire room emptied in a flash. Not as in, everyone ran for the exits, more as in everyone simply went poof and were gone. Keeping his gun trained on Dorothy, he asked "What's going on?" The female Wufei impersonator shrugged, "I just follow orders and I was ordered to lead you here so you would see Duo enjoying being heterosexual. Then maaaaayyybeee you would go for my boss." Heero shuddered, "Relena, right?" Dorothy nodded, "Smart boy. You know, she took over Heaven and Hell to get you." Heero shook his head, 'Damned crazed girl.' He raised his voice, "So I was sent here to kill Relena?" "Yeah, that's about the size of it. Though I'm not about to let you." Dorothy pulled a gun of her own, pointing it at the Perfect Soldier. Heero didn't care, he now had a legitimate reason to kill his stalker and he wasn't about to let this spiky eyebrowed freak stop him. He pulled the trigger and Dorothy's brains splattered across the pink carpeting. Well, that was easy. Heero stepped over the still twitching corpse and made his way to the doors. A small gurgling voice made him stop, hand halfway to the doorknob. "It's not going to be that easy." He turned and looked at the body on the floor. A small lump was forming on the neck stump, with little beady eyes and a small mouth. He wrinkled his nose at it, "Why would it be. That would ruin the fun." He left the building and walked away from it, picking a random direction and plunging off into the pink terrain.  
  
A/N: Reviews darnit! (huggies her one faithful reader) Everyone tell your friends! I need some more readers! And maybe some ideas too -.-; 


	5. 1, 2, 3, 4, GO!

Disclaimer: Still don't own Gundam Wing, any of Rumiko Takahashi's works, Galaxy Angel, Saber Marionette, Cardcaptor Sakura, Trigun, or anything else for that matter.  
  
Warnings: Cattle prods, muppet vilinazation, characters abusing the lack of censorship, slight (forced) shoujo ai. I doubt I spelled Snuffleupugus correctly.  
  
Chapter 5  
  
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we rejoin the real Duo Maxwell. "Um...Duo? Where did you get that spray paint?" The black clad loud mouth tried to hide said can. "What spray paint?" The author pointed, "The can that you just shoved down the back of your jodhpurs." Duo made a show of hitting himself on the forehead and looking sheepish, "Oh that can!" He pulled it from the waistband of his pants. "Some little Chihuahua gypsy lady with a saxophone gave me it." But anyway, we shall take this moment to admire Duo's handy work. A very large section of the scenery was no longer covered in evil pinkness. In its place was an enormous mural depicting the final battle in Endless Waltz. "Ooooohhh, pretty. Ok, I forgive you. Now get going. You need to pick up some friends." Tossing the now empty paint can into a nearby trash can labeled 'Keep Hell Clean', Duo plodded onwards. Shortly, he found himself facing a large pink wall, topped with pink barbed wire. Sounds of utmost anguish could be heard from within the pink prison. Duo quickly scaled the wall, having had plenty of practice doing such things. Dozens of fuzzy, disturbing looking puppet things were marching between rows of 'inmates'. They consisted of various people known for their violent tendencies...and some not, probably just there for the hell of it. Ranma, Inu Yasha, Bloodberry, Panther, Knives, Meilin, Forte, and a few others. They were all chained to desks while the Sesame Street gang sang happy, cavity inducing songs of friendship and all that good crap. The inmates screamed. Whenever one would try to escape their desk, a muppet would shock them with a cattle prod. Cruel and unusual punishment. Duo tried to make himself small as possible against the wall as a big furry turd with a trunk made it's way through the crowd, conversed with Elmo and was soon leading three figures into the large pink building behind the rows of desks. Duo felt he had to stop them; he didn't like the feel of this. Jumping from the wall, he followed closely until they reached a large chamber. The three inmates were forced down in front of a large chair. Seated there was Big Bird. The horror! The horror! "Now," the Bird started in it's extremely grating voice, "you three have been acting up. Grover is still in the infirmary from your actions. We're here to help you! To help you get over your violent ways." Starfire blinked, "But we have done nothing wrong." She looked at her companions, "Right?" Beast Boy nodded, "Right, you're all just tormenting everyone for your amusement!" The large yellow bird shrugged, "Be that as it may, you need to be punished." Duo felt that this was a good moment for him, as the hero, to step in. Flinging his braid over his shoulder, he struck a Sailor Moon style pose, and sweatdropped at being forced into such a thing. "I refuse to say her lines!" "Fine then, I already got you to do the pose so I'm happy." Duo gave a growl reminiscent of Heero's and stalked towards the overgrown canary. The author handed him a nifty mini version of Deathscythe's energy scythe. "Thank you!" Before the bird could so much as utter some sort of anti-violence phrase he was decapitated. The furry turd with a trunk grabbed Duo by his braid and yanked him off balance. Realizing their chance at freedom, the three Teen Titans made quick work of the Snuffleupugus, alternatively frying, levitating, and flattening it. Duo blinked at the three, "What are you guys doing here." Beast Boy shrugged, "Dunno, but the author loves us and we kick ass, so here we are." He looked at what he just said, "Whoa, I got to say ass! Hey, I said it again! Ass ass ass!!" BB grinned hugely, "Take that Cartoon Network censors!" Starfire looked puzzled (doesn't she always?) and asked, "What is this 'ass' word? And why does Beast Boy derive such joy from saying it?" Raven shrugged. "And aren't there supposed to be two more of you guys?" Raven shrugged again, "Yeah, didn't see them." The author decided to step in. "Well, I'm not that fond of Robin or Cyborg. And with Robin out of the way, I can have Raven and Starfire together! I just love opposites." Everyone facefaulted. "Uhh, yeah. Let's go before those puppet things find us." And so, our hero continues on with his new allies. "I am not kissing Starfire." Starfire's eyes widened, "Why would you kiss me Raven?" The subject of the question crossed her arms, "Because the author is dirty minded." "I am not! I just think you two would look cute together!" Huffing, the author continued, "Anyways, it's not like I'm gonna make you do anything." Raven pointed to the warning at the top of the page. "Then what's with the 'shoujo ai (forced)'?" The author ignored her. "My story, I can do what I want. Now go and get out of here before I sic the whole of Muppettdom on you!" The four poor unfortunate characters ran for their lives. 


	6. Mystery Date and Maids

Disclaimer: Still don't own GW, Sailor Moon, Teen Titans, the Puppetpals, Inu Yasha, or Mystery Date.  
  
Warnings: Pretty safe chapter, just a few thoughts about Naraku in a maid outfit.  
  
Author's Note: For anyone who's read 'Samurai Cat Goes to Hell', Sesshoumaru is playing something like Ubersaurus Rex's role. Yes, I hear you say "But wouldn't Treize be more appropriate?" And I say, yes, he would. But I wanted Fluffy. And I'm never asking my mom the name of anyone again. It's Ayumi Hamasaki, not Hanagashi -.- Oh yeah, Chibis, don't worry about the whole Raven/Starfire thing. It's mostly there to annoy my little rendition of Raven. She's so cute when that vein stands out in her forehead. And I couldn't do that to poor Beast Boy anyway ::glomps BB::  
  
BB: X_X AHH! Get the crazy lady off of me!!  
  
M: And I couldn't do it to Raven either, she'd end up killing Star. And anyways, they're too young for anything to happen with them.  
  
Audience: But what about Heero and Duo? They're pretty young.  
  
M: Yeah, but they're so much more mature.  
  
::camera pans over to Duo, who has acquired hand puppets of Puppetpal Clem and Puppetpal Mitch::  
  
Duo: How do you like it now, you sadist!! ::uses Clem to bonk Mitch over the head repeatedly::  
  
Audience: ::sweatdrop::  
  
M: Ahaha, I think we'll just get on with the story.  
  
Chapter 6  
  
Sesshoumaru was nearly comatose when Relena finally came to what little senses she had. "Now, someone seems to have sent an angel to tell Heero he has to kill me." All the council members pretend to be shocked at this. "Dorothy has been sent to try and dissuade him, just to be on the safe side. Who knows how he could have been convinced that I have to be assassinated." Everyone looked away from her, each coming up with a million reasons. At this point, Dorothy (complete with brand new head) came strolling in. "Well? How did it go? Where's Heero?" Dorothy shoved Chibi- Usa out of her chair and sat. "He shot me." The little pink haired brat was busy beating tiny fists against Dorothy's shoulder, as if that would make her move. With one flick of an eyebrow, Chibi-Usa was sent flying across the room. No one really cared. "Shot you?" "Yes, are you deaf?" Relena didn't hear the comment. "You must have done something wrong then. I'm quite sure my plan was fool proof."  
  
Sesshoumaru decided he should speak up before he had to sit through yet another fit of Relena being herself. Before he could open his mouth, a deadly writer's block reared up before him snarling fit to make any writer hide under their bed and whimper for their mommy. Sesshoumaru stepped on it. "Arigato, Fluffy!" The other council members snickered at 'Fluffy'. Fluffy glared fit to put any other bishi to shame, "Stop calling me that!!!" Relena looked confused at the whole exchange, glancing around and totally oblivious to the author who would like nothing more than to squish the evil little girl and be done with it. "You had a suggestion?"  
  
The dog demon spared a final glare at the author before turning back to Relena. "This Heero of yours seem to be the violent type," Yeah, like Fluffy isn't a bit violent too. "I would suggest sending some of the better fighters that have been sent to," his nose wrinkled at the new name, "the 'Happy Reeducation Facility for the Peacefully Challenged'." Blah. It just didn't roll off the tongue the same way Hell for the Violent did. There was going to be a lot of work needed to fix this place back up. He held up a hand at Relena's expression. "I know how you despise using such actions, but I think that it would work better than any of your plans." The Queen of the Underworld looked like she wanted to either scream or cry, because in some teeny tiny half a brain cell she had, she knew it was better. But then, the sooner she had Heero, the sooner she could move into Heaven. She'd already had the ruler up there locked up, and here the camera switched to show a few shadowy figures in a dark cell, so moving in would be no trouble. Relena nodded her head. "Go ahead then." She dismissed him with an imperious flick of the hand before turning to the other council members. "Ok, while he's doing that, why don't we play..." she pulled out a tattered old box, "Mystery Date!!!"  
  
Sesshoumaru quickly left the building that housed the Council Chamber. 'I really hope she dies a painful death!' He fluffed his boa angrily as he boarded his private transport. A transport that was blessedly Jaken free. It's nice having a personal servant to wait on you hand and foot, but the little toady thing really needed replacing. As the transport headed towards the former Hell for the Violent, Fluffy contemplated a good replacement. Preferably someone taller than two foot nothing that doesn't smell like swamp gas. "Well, get rid of the freaky fur and monkey mask and Naraku would be good." His mind wandered around thoughts of Naraku in a little maid outfit serving him chocolate martinis. "Um, sir? We're here." Snapping out of his strange train of thought, Sesshoumaru stepped out of the vehicle and faced the pink, barbwire topped gates. "Time to build an army."  
  
A/N: Short! Damned writer's blocks. They're breeding in my clothes hamper, I think. ::goes back to making mascots with yaoi click animations:: hehe, blushing Hiei ^_^ And does anyone have some ideas for Fluffy's little death squad. Not characters I like though...I'm going to be killing most of them off. 


	7. Quatre

Disclaimer: I still own nothing! All I own is my insanity!!! I did borrow the 'barnacalized' term from Dead Blush's Common Ground fic.  
  
Warnings: Umm, I think it's safe. Except for that damned horny Quatre.  
  
Author's Note: Stealing scenes straight from the book a bit here. Inspiration isn't being very...um, inspirational. ::curses her muses...who simply meow at her:: Damned cats... And I couldn't think of a single damn over sexed anime character to use! Horrifying, ne?  
  
Chapter 7  
  
Ok, everyone! Let's all imitate Relena! On the count of three...1...2...3 "HEERO! COME AND KILL ME!!!" Heero keeled over, twitching in shock. Wasn't that fun? Ok, time to stop picking on our poor baby. "Damn right, I think my ears are bleeding!" "Fine, fine. We'll move on. You'll love this next part." Heero glared, not liking the sound of that one bit.  
  
The landscape was changing dramatically. Not that it got any less pink, but it was at least making the attempt to look more menacing. The pink hills were looking more craggy, large fissures split the pink ground, and hanging in the not too distant...um...distance was a huge dark grey storm cloud. Heero would have liked to avoid it, but the surrounding hills were closing in and left him no choice.  
  
The instant he stepped into the storm he was soaked to the skin. Voices echoed all around as bodies were blown past him by the fierce winds. Heero nearly suffered a Wufei-like nosebleed at what they were saying. Someone smacked right into Heero, bad idea. Hand gripping the rain-slicked gun, Heero pointed it right between the offender's eyes. "Omae o korosu!" The young man looked up, "Why Heero, I didn't know you cared!" Eyes widening, Heero lowered the gun slightly. "Quatre?!" It looked like the Arabian pilot. But the way his hands were groping Heero's backside was not at all like Quatre. The gun was instantly raised again and pressed against the blonde's head. "Get your hands off of me!"  
  
The storm had moved during the time Heero was brandishing his gun at the possible Quatre and they were left standing on soggy ground and no longer being rained upon. Heero finally got a good look at his molester. The face still looked like Quatre, as did the height. But after that, he looked nothing like the Sandrock pilot. His pale hair was tied in a long, low ponytail and in place of his usual pink shirt and purple vest was a lot of mesh, leather, and metal studs.  
  
"Mmm, thanks for getting me out of there," The Quatre opposite slid up against a very shocked Heero and wrapped his arms around him. "Want me to thank you?" The Japanese pilot's eyes grew to the size of saucers as he tried to disengage himself from the horny blonde. "Who the hell are you and what are you doing?!?!?!" He'd been barnacalized by Relena before, but this was completely different. The leather clad horndog had a much stronger grip than Relena could ever dream of. "Let go of me!!!!"  
  
"But Heero, you got me out of Heel for the Lustful. I have to do something for you." Hell for the Lustful has obviously not been remodeled yet. To which I am sure everyone is grateful. Except Heero, because Duo is the only one who is supposed to be grabbing him in this manner. The last question Heero had asked finally sank into the blonde's mind. "I'm Quatre silly!" He smirked, "Just from a different universe." Something went click in the back of Heero's mind and it made sense...sort of. For now he was just busy swatting the Alternate Quatre's hands away from his 'special area'. "Then what are you doing here?" Leather Lad grinned impishly, "What would you like me to be doing?" Heero was ready to pull out his hair, this was going absolutely nowhere. He replaced his gun in that still yet undetermined place upon his personage and trudged on, all but dragging Alternate Quatre along with him.  
  
After a while, Quatre finally let go and was walking on his own. Though he was still making innuendos and eyeing Heero's...spandex. "You know, you're really sexy when your eye twitches like that." Heero said nothing, instead groaning at the sight of another sickly pink river stretched out in front of them. "Dammit!! Not again!" A.Q., on the other hand, perked up. "Hey! Let's go skinny dipping!" As he began to remove what little clothing he was wearing a gunshot rang out. Both boys turned their heads upriver where something akin to a paddle wheeler was grounded in the shallows. "There's two more out here!" The silhouette in the window was joined by two more. As Heero got closer to the boat he could make them out. "What are you doing here?" Trowa's one visible eye blinked, taking first Heero and then...Quatre? "Yuy? What the hell?" Heero looked suspiciously at Wufei once he had reached the boat. He vaulted the railing and proceeded to pull Wu's ponytail, poke him in the chest, and tried to look down his pants.  
  
"KISAMA! What do you think you're doing??" Looking as though nothing had happened, Heero simply said, "Hn, just checking." Duo gasped, "Just checking what?! Why are you looking down Wu-man's pants?" Everyone looked at Duo. "Aren't you supposed to be somewhere else right now?" Pilot 02 looked embarrassed, "Oh, right! Gomen." And poof, he was gone. "Hey, that looked like fun!" The longhaired Quatre joined the others on the deck and grabbed Wufei by the waistband of his pants. "Who's that?" Regular Quatre, wearing his pink shirt and purple vest for River Trips in Hell (which really look no different from the others...and why does he have some for such an occasion anyway?) was eyeing his other self. The Other Quatre let go of Wu wu, who looked like he was either going to faint or kill someone, and stood face to face with the Quatre we all know and love. It was kinda freaky looking to say the least. Trowa's eye kept going back and forth between the two, his face going pink and rapidly shading to red. Too much of a good thing.  
  
They all stood in that freeze frame until their legs began to cramp. Then A.Q. leaned forward and kissed his Non-AU self. ACK!! "That's not what you're supposed to do!" Black clad Quatre blinked, "But I'm so cute! I couldn't help it!" Everyone else fell over. "You're not gonna let me end this chapter are you?" The Author whined. Heero had gotten up first. "Yes, just end it already before I have to kill someone!" He glared his famous Death Glare (TM). "That is if you'll ever let me! This story isn't bloody at all! I thought there was going to be blood and mayhem!" The Authored sighed, "You'll get to kill a whole bunch of people soon. Happy now? Can I go?" Everyone took a few steps away from Heero as his eyes lit up at the thought of murder death kill. "Yeah, go away."  
  
A/N: TSUBASA!!!! Tsubasa, Tsubasa, Tsubasa!!!!!!!!!!!!! Has anyone else read it yet? If not go!! BUY IT NOW!!!! hehehe 


	8. Flaming

And welcome to another craptacular chapter of 'Heero Yuy Goes to Hell'! YAY!  
  
Disclaimers: I don't own Wendee Lee (thank god), flaming Cheeze Whiz, the people who like to flame those of us who like yaoi (aka the anti-yaoi fans), Teen Titans, Gundam Wing, or Shin Tenchi Muyo.  
  
Warning: Well, um...I'm being lazy. Lots of torture, well...torture for certain people I regret nothing I type here Is yaoi-licious even a word? It should be.  
  
Chapter 8  
  
More blissful, migraine inducing pink scenery. Raven and Starfire walked along beside Duo and Beast Boy, all of whom were engrossed in a deep, thoughtful conversation. "That bitch should die!" Duo pounded a fist in the air while the others nodded. "She ruins perfectly good characters...well, except for that annoying Sakuya chick." Raven made a face at just the name 'Sakuya', "Why did they even have to make that series? It was so pointless." The author got out her new trusty paper fan and bapped the four over their heads. "Ok, enough of that, we have to get on with the story." Beast Boy rubbed a hand over his green hair, "What story? I just though this was all mindless rambling." Duo and the others took shelter behind a nearby boulder. "What did you say?!?!" BB 'eeped' and ran to escape the wrath of the author. Only to run into the almost forgotten Sanc Kingdom School Girl Demons! Come on, we all know you missed them! "AH! My eyes! What are those things?" The demons continued painting their toenails for a minute before they realized they were being watched. "EEKK! A peeping Tom!" Our heroes sweatdropped. "Um, I think you have the wrong script guys." Duo handed the demons a sheaf of papers. "Ooooh, right!" While the creepoids tried to find their lines, Duo-tachi hightailed it past them.  
  
Beast Boy glanced over his shoulder, "What was the point of that anyway?" Raven shrugged, "She must have felt that Hell was too light on the demons." "Ok, enough mocking me! Get going." The author pointed in the direction of yet another pink river. "Why is everything in this place pink?" Starfire studied the slowly flowing possible water. Duo poked at it with a branch. "I dunno, I heard there was a change of management or something. With all this pink, it was probably Relena or something." He chuckled and shook his head at the ridiculous idea. "Who is this Relena person?" Starfire got bored watching the crawl of the river. "Oh, just some crazy chick...at least I _think_ she's a girl. She's been stalking my boyfriend for a while now." Starfire nodded, "Oh, ok." They all stood in silence for a moment. "Your _boyfriend_?!?" The three Teen Titans did a double take. The braided baka choked back a laugh at the expressions on their faces. "Dude, why didn't you tell us?" Beast Boy was eyeing Duo oddly and Raven raised an eyebrow at the green one, "Why would he need to? It's none of our business." Vash nodded, "That's right!" Everyone jumped about five feet in the air. "Who the heck are you?!" Duo still had a hand clasped over his chest where his heart was going about 500mph. Vash flashed a smile and a victory sign, "I was sent here to give you some direction!" Raven and Starfire were staring at him with hearts in their eyes. Duo and Beast Boy rolled their eyes. "Whaddya mean 'direction'?" BB was getting a crick in his neck looking up at the tall blonde. "Well, my employer has already had me send your...erm...boyfriend on his way to the center of Hell to kill Satan." Duo's eyes grew big at that news. "And he's probably going to need help, sooo....Hey! **HEY**!!" He reached up and tapped the author on the shoulder, "Quit watchin' cartoons!" Everyone laughed behind their hands, except Raven. She just stood there being all dark and expressionless. Vash went back to his big monologue, "But I've come to give you this." He handed his lovely gun to Duo. Yeah, lovely gun...great for blowing holes in all sorts of things! "And to tell you that you need to pass through Hell for Anti-Yaoi Fans." A manic grin spread over Duo's face as he looked at the gun in his hands, thinking thoughts of what he could use it for there. "It's in one of the parts of hell that hasn't been 'redecorated' yet." Raven looked like she wanted to cheer. The pink was getting to her worse than anyone. Don't believe the little pink clad Raven in her mind. Pink was NOT her favorite color. The Humanoid Typhoon was busily going over what looked like a checklist. "Ok, I think I covered everything. Time to go get some donuts!" He disappeared with an 'I Dream of Jeanie' style boing before anyone could ask for a donut too. Vash can be so selfish..."I wanted a donut!"  
  
Duo found someplace to keep the gun, his jodhpurs being much easier to conceal a gun in than Heero's spandex, and they set off in the general direction the 'angel' had indicated. Following the shore of the bubblegum colored river, which was ever so slowly turning an odd algae infested blackish green. It was a welcome change from the pink. "I think I liked the pink river better." Starfire looked almost disappointed about the change. She was alone as far as that went. Even the author was glad to have something non-pink in the scenery. Beast Boy was standing on the far end of the group, away from Duo and all but trying to hide under Raven's cape. "Get out of my clothes!" Vein pounding in her forehead, Raven yanked her cape out of BB's grasp and glared. "He's not trying to hit on you or anything! He said he already has a boyfriend." Starfire wore her perpetually stupefied expression while Duo was trying not to laugh his head off at the green shape shifter. The argument stopped when they reached an area that looked like what Hell should. Jagged, dark boulders that were blessedly free of any pinkness covered the valley they'd arrived at. A large wooden sign proclaimed it to be 'Hell for Anti-Yaoi Fans'. Duo reached for his gun, wanting ever so much to put it to use on the people within. The screams coming from the groups of people that dotted the valley was music to our currently solo gay boy's ears. Our heroes went largely ignored by the 'inmates' as well as the demons tormenting them. There were groups with their eyes propped open with toothpicks and being forced to look at fan art depicting various yaoi-licious couples. Several people's eyes were bleeding. Other groups had their hands tied so as not to be able to plug their ears while they had 'story time'. Meaning a big, ugly School Girl demon sat in front of a semicircle of sinners (author: ::cackling evilly::) and reading lemon fics aloud. The Teen Titans grouped together like frightened children while Duo laughed maniacally. This was too good. Even the author was enjoying herself immensely. "Hey, didn't you promise your readers flaming cheeze whiz?" The author looked around, "Where?" Everyone else pointed upwards towards the disclaimer. "Oh, yes." She handed cans of said torture item to each member of the group. Starfire tried to eat hers. The others watched in shock at the smoke pouring from her ears. "That was delicious! May I have more?" The author sweatdropped. "No...you're supposed to use it on the inmates." The mini-skirt wearing alien looked so downcast that BB decided that he'd rather give her his can of flaming cheesey goodness instead of using it on the poor abused inmates. Duo, and even Raven, preferred to spray down the anti-yaoi fans and the school girl demons with the unlikely weapon. Once the cans were empty and most of the valley in cheesy flames, Duo et-al skipped through the flames singing 'We're off to go kill Satan! The blunderful Satan of Hell!'  
  
A/N: You can tell I've been reading retarded flames. I just had to do it. Don't hurt me, it was fun! It was also a pointless chapter. Don't worry though. Also, I'm working on pics of some of the scenes so far. (even a few I haven't yet gotten to) 


	9. Where is God?

Disclaimer: I don't own anything I write about here. Wouldn't it be funny if the creator of one of these series ever did write crazy ass fan fictions?  
  
Warning: None, nice safe chappie here kids.  
  
Chapter 9  
  
We return to the darkened cell glimpsed in chapter six. The hallway and other cells are the kind that you see in any anime. Vash appeared with the neato 'boing' sound outside of said cell. "Hel-lo! Are you all awake?" A cheerful grin was plastered across his face, sure to piss off whoever it was in there. He was instantly greeted by a pair of reddish eyes. Botan tried to make herself look as attractive as one could when one has spent the past couple of months in a cramped cell without a shower. "How's it going, Vash?" The blond tried to shut off his sense of smell. "You know, if you can just appear here all the time to take orders, why can't you get us out of here?" The blue-haired ferry girl grumbled. All this time, trapped in here with a cranky toddler. "My father is going to kill me!" Koenma wailed loudly. Yet no matter how hugely he opened his mouth to whine, his pacifier never fell out. Must be some holy power or somethin'. Jorge was sitting in a corner, twitching something awful at the sound of Koenma's voice. He was contemplating whether or not he could escape through suicide. Probably not. He was stuck being Koenma's lackey for the rest of his loincloth wearing life. He is a thing to be pitied by all. Botan was still attempting to flirt with Vash, who was still trying not to breathe. "I've sent Heero to kill Relena. He's already picked up a few allies and I've sent his boyfriend and his friends to join them." Pacifier breath gave up on his whining for a moment. "Good, and what about Hiei and Kurama?" "They're waiting at the front lines for Heero and Duo to arrive." Everyone except Jorge (who was scheming of how to escape a lifetime of servitude) sweatdropped. They all knew exactly what those two were doing. The camera switched over to the barracks near the center of Hell. More specifically Hiei and Kurama's room. We'll just leave it at that. Back at the generic cell, everyone's face was a bit blue. They all shook their heads to rid themselves of the mental images. Except Botan, who started fantasizing about nekkie Kurama. "Um, good work. Just keep track of them." Koenma floated up to whisper in Vash's ear,"Make sure they have everything they need to beat her! I don't think I can stand being in a cell with these two any longer!!"  
  
A/N: Short, but I felt like writing it. So there =p 


	10. mrflemrph

Disclaimer: Yup, I just own everything! I own the whole world! I own YOU!! Mwahahahahahaha! ::coughs:: Ok, no, I still don't own jack shnookies.  
  
Warnings: Pokemon and Yugioh fans...avert thine eyes, hehehe. The return of Let Me in Your Pants Quatre! More Wizard of Oz scene thievery! And more strange pet names for the G-Boys!  
  
I didn't bother looking up the proper names for the Pokemon people. I just used the dub ones 'cause I don't really care. I also know next to nothing about Yugioh...stupid Egyptian bondage boy. Neener neener! The term 'snorty foof' is something that came about from working way too many late nights and being asked stupid questions by customers. The quality may start slowly improving to what it was in the earlier chapters. Gomen for my laziness, but ::tries to come up with an excuse for her crappy writing:: Oh...wait, never mind. I'm just a lazy so and so. That and my other works are sapping my creativity. Though I hope you Hiei x Kurama fans will be happy when 'Caught in the Act' is published. Go go Yaoi Rangers! ::gets pelted with rotten fruit until she leaves the stage:: Ok, no more 'Power Ranger' quips. ::wonders if she needs to bump the rating on this thing up to 'R'::  
  
Chapter 10  
  
Sesshoumaru looked over his 'troops'. He had more or less chosen randomly, though some of his choices were made solely on the hopes that they would get themselves killed. Such as Ash. You may be asking yourself right now, 'What is he doing in Hell for the Violent...I mean, the Happy Reeducation Facility for the Peacefully Challenged?' Well, most people don't know this, but he was arrested on animal abuse charges many times for neglecting and beating his Pokemon as well as the whole lawsuit thing with Misty. But we won't get into that. Another on the cannon fodder list was Yugi Moto. Little Mr. Possessed by an Egyptian Guy ended up at the Facility due to the abuse of his powers. We'll just say that he went more overboard than Bokura ever did while possessed. Both boys annoyed the living daylights out of the Dog Demon Prince as well and were thus part of the front lines.  
  
In true villain/minion fashion, only the two front troops were visible. That left fuzzy, shadowy outlines of those to come after the expected demise of the first minions. Go watch Sailor Moon or something. That's how it almost always goes. Anyways, Sesshoumaru left in his limousine while his little Death Squad (insert canned laughter here) was crammed into one of those irritating little clown cars and sent careening off in the general direction of Heero and Co.

* * *

Even the pacifist Quatre was beginning to wish he had some sort of weapon of destruction to use on his other self. Trowa, noticing his lover was on the verge of a 'Zero System' episode, actually began to try and make jokes to distract the little blonde. Unfortunately, being a military man/circus clown, most of the jokes either flat out sucked or were more appreciated by Leather Lad (oh, how I've missed that term) than by the others. The Unibanged Wonder gave up and lapsed back into his usual silence. Wufei was currently cowering behind Heero while A.Q. tried to get him to 'loosen up'. Failing that, he turned his attentions to our stoic, that green tank top really suits you, gun-toting pilot. "Heeeeroooo," he purred while trying to get the boy's tank top untucked from his shorts. The current object of his raging hormones was about three seconds from punching him in the face. It wasn't needed. A disturbingly familiar red and white ball hit the Alternate Arabian in the back of the head, knocking him out cold.  
  
"Dammit, I missed." An annoying, unnatural sounding (really, have you heard ANYONE that sounds like that in real life?) voice grumbled. "Go Pikachu!" Heero blinked, "Sparkle Mouse? What the snorty foof is that?" Everyone looked at Heero as though he had just proclaimed undying love for Relena and was going to be the one wearing the wedding dress. "Who the hell writes your material, Yuy?" Wufei had left off hiding behind the Wing pilot to snicker at him. Ash, meanwhile, was jumping up and down like a monkey on drugs. "DAMMIT! Why aren't you paying attention to me? I'm the star of this show!! MY SHOW!!" He paused and then for good measure threw in another 'DAMMIT!' Polite, non-leather clad Quatre spoke up. "Um, excuse me? Have you read the title? This is 'Heero Yuy Goes to Hell'. Your name is nowhere in there." The animal abuser glared, well, he tried to glare. But even Quatre could glare better than that. Heck, those creepy Precious Moments children could glare better. "I'm the star of every show! I don't care whose name is in the title! It's my show!" Pikachu decided that this was a good time to call animal control and get his 'trainer' arrested...again. It was unnecessary. After about three more minutes of listening to the little boy yell and whine, Quatre completely lost his cool. His eyes held the same manic look of Duo's in chapter eight as he reached into Heero's spandex, pulled out his gun, and planted a round squarely between the kid's eyes.  
  
As the body crumpled to the ground, flashes of light escaped from his belt. The lights materialized as many dancing Pokemon who were vainly trying to sing something along the lines of 'Ding Dong the Witch is Dead'. All that came out was an odd cacophony of varying Pokemon names spoken in squeaky little voices. Quatre leveled the gun, prepared to pick off the critters one at a time. Only Trowa's restraining hand and the fact that Heero had already taken his gun back stopped him. "What the heck was that anyway?" Four of the five exchanged glances, A.Q. was still out cold on the ground. "We should run before he wakes up." No one knew who said this, but it sounded like a good plan. It might have worked too, if the leather-bound blonde hadn't chosen that moment to wake up. Curses, foiled again.  
  
"You're all so mean!" Tears welled up in the opposite Quatre's eyes, causing his mascara to run. And that really ruined the whole teary eyed, cute look he was going for I can tell you. He threw himself onto Heero, his death grip cutting off the oxygen to the stony faced boy's brain. Pilot 01 turned about ten different shades of blue before passing out. Leather Lad looked at the limp body in his arms. If only he was alone with him to take advantage of his unconscious state. Instead, he settled for letting Trowa play pack animal and carry the unconscious one until he came around. They managed to get about another twenty yards or so before a flickering hologram sprang to imitation life in front of them.  
  
"Stop where you are!" A boy who looked like he and Hiei might share the same hairdresser stepped out from behind the nondescript, holographic menace. "Oh, for Nataku's sake! What is going on around here!!" Wu threw his hands up in exasperation. "Here, read this." The author handed Pilot 05 a copy of the already published parts of the story. "Hey! Satan is really...mrflemrph!" Never Ending Nosebleed Boy glared around the big ole authorial hand clamped over his mouth. "You're not supposed to tell! If you do I'll..." The author whispered in his ear. Wufei looked more and more frightened as she went on until he was white as a sheet and trembling badly. "Got it?" Wufei rewarded the author with a weak nod. "What's on that paper?" A.Q. reached for the papers. "Is it porn?" At the thought of having to endure what the author had just told him, Wu wu snuggy wugs began rending the papers into little bits and shoving them in his mouth. After this pointless display, the heroes of this chapter turned back to face their newest opponent. Yugi was ignoring them in favor of some intense nose picking. And when I say intense, I mean intense! Like, hand halfway up the nostril intense.  
  
"What? Am I on? Oh..." The spiky haired guy pulled his bogey covered hand out of his nose and ran his fingers through his hair. Well, now we know why it looks the way it does. The author handed out barf bags for the G-boys to make use of. "Can I get on with it now?" Yugi struck a dramatic pose after going through his whole getting possessed by the possibly pedophile dude inside that big tacky piece of bling around his neck. Yeah, so impressive. You still just have a kid who uses his own snot to hold his hair up. The others seemed to be of the same mindset. Even the I'll Jump Almost Anything That Walks Upright Quatre was completely turned off by that. Even he had some standards.  
  
Trowa unceremoniously dumped Heero on the ground. Scrawny as Heero was, the Master of All Unibangs (he's even the master of my unibang! Wait...that doesn't sound right and Quatre is glaring at me now...) was getting a cramp in his shoulders from holding him. The holographic monster was busy trying to attack them. But since it wasn't really there, nothing happened. "I play this card in attack mode!" Another holographic creature appeared. "Go, Dark Magician!" It had no effect. Yami Yugi was beginning to realize something wasn't right here. He looked around wildly for the little box that told him what his opponents' life points were. Finding nothing, he began to cry. For about five seconds. Another gunshot rang out. "This is what Satan sends against us?" Heero looked at the bleeding corpse of Mr. Bogey Hair. "It makes it look like Satan wants us to reach him and kill him..." Wu coughed, looking away. He really wanted to tell Heero that Satan was really Relena. But then, he also valued his life and his sanity as well.

* * *

A/N: This is what you get for writing while at work. And after work, until weird hours of the morning. Listening to Seramyu swing music. Yep, such is my life ::goes off to work on sappy romance type stuff now:: Next chapter, the groups collide, more destruction of random people, and the full on return of Hiei and Kurama! Flying ice cream and man-animals in high heels! On the next exciting episode of HYGTH! 


	11. Hey, hey the gang's all here!

Disclaimer: Blah, I'm sick of writing these. You all know it by now.  
  
Warnings: Ice cream (well, frozen yogurt) abuse and man-animals wearing high heels.  
  
This is just me getting everyone together and FINALLY getting to use the scene that I wrote months ago. This took forever to pound out. Damned fickle inspiration. .  
  
Chapter 11  
  
Sesshoumaru watched the miserable failure of his first two cannon fodder soldiers. After laughing evilly, he turned his attention from Heero's group to another. This one was also headed up by a glaring, gun carrying, 'omae o korosu'-ing hottie. He was watching the same Saiyuki DVD for the fifth time in a row.  
  
Dorothy sauntered into Fluffy's TV room, oblivious to the fact that he was glaring at her and calling security.  
  
"You know, that was really funny." The Mistress of Oversized Eyebrows didn't look amused, though. "I know Relena is a moron, but even she will realize what you're doing."  
  
Fluffy and Forky looked at each other a moment before breaking out in uncontrollable giggles. "I can't believe that you said that with a straight face!!" More laughter. "Ok, now get the hell out of here before I sic Rin on you."  
  
Dorothy looked hurt. "Aawwww, don't be that way...Fluffy!" Sess threw his snack bowl at the girl only to have it knocked out of the air by an eyebrow.  
  
"But anyways, how long are you going to keep up this little pretense of yours? Everyone knows you're planning to take over after Heero offs Relena. We'd all rather it was sooner than later."  
  
"True, but why not get rid of some of the annoyances along the way? You have to admit, watching that little blonde plug Ash was great entertainment!" Fluffy replayed the tape of said incident.  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. You know he'll just come back later; they never stay dead for long. Just let the boys get to the relocated 'Hell for Mad Scientists and Other Useful Characters' so they can prepare to get rid of that royal pain in the ass."  
  
---  
  
Duo-tachi had given up the skipping and singing after about five minutes. Raven was currently grumbling threats of what would happen to anyone who dared say a thing about her participation in such antics.  
  
"Right, right. We won't tell anyone that you were skipping along like a little school girl singing mangled old songs." The Braided Baka sighed. Ever since the whole flaming cheeze whiz thing, things had been pretty quiet. Almost too quiet...  
  
"It appears I have stepped in a reddish liquid. It is seeping out of that little boy on the ground." Good old Starfire, stater of obvious things. The alien girl was currently examining her left boot, which was splashed with a deep red from the ball cap wearing body on the dirt.  
  
"Whoa! It's a dead body! Cool!" BB stared at the corpse. In his line of work, no matter how bad the bad guy was, killing was not an option. The Green One looked around for a stick to poke the Pokemon trainer with.  
  
Duo was busy looking at the bullet hole in the middle of the boy's forehead and the exit wound that had splashed what brains he had possessed all over the landscape.  
  
"Gross..." Raven sidestepped the gore and waited semi-patiently for the others to finish their examination.  
  
What training that Duo buried in the backlogs of his mind came forward at the familiarity of the gunpowder scent that lingered. He shrugged it off. "Eh, no one we know, right? Let's get going."  
  
"But should we not do something? I am sure it is not right to leave him like that."  
  
"Yeah, 'cause this is MY show!" A voice sounded from the vicinity of everyone's feet. They looked down to see what they could have sworn was a dead kid getting up and looking very cranky. Ash took off his bloodied cap and threw it on the ground so that he could do a second jumping up and down like a drug-crazed monkey. Simply because the author thinks it's funny. "If anyone has a problem with it, do feel free to leave an opinion in the comments box." The camera pans over to a trash can while some canned laughter plays.  
  
"Quit ignoring me!!!" Duo shook his head and looked up at the author, "Don't you have a giant meat grinder or something we could put him through?"  
  
"What about that gun the angel guy gave you?"  
  
"Ooohhh, right!" A big evil grin spread across the face of Deathscythe's pilot as he drew said firearm.  
  
"Do I really have to get shot again?"  
  
"Hell yes. I don't like you." The author stuck her tongue out at the spiky haired trainer. "Fire away Duo!"  
  
He didn't need to be told twice and pulled the trigger, splattering the contents of Ash's head across the landscape for a second time.  
  
"Well that was fun, let's move on."  
  
---  
  
Wufei was jumping at every little noise in the distance. He was going to need some serious therapy after this. Why did the author have to threaten him?  
  
"Because you're so cute when you're all nervous and jumpy!"  
  
"I'll say!" Alternate Quatre glomped the Chinese pilot the way only a leather clad, longhaired, alternate universe version of Quatre could.  
  
"Um, miss? How long does he have to travel with us?" Regular Quatre was losing patience with his other self. And with Trowa sneaking glances at his tightly trousered backside.  
  
"Oh, don't worry about it. He's just here to be here. If you want, I can get you an outfit like his to wear for Trowa."  
  
The Unibanged Wonder looked like he liked that idea. His little Quatre all decked out in leather and mesh...  
  
"Erm, yeah." A bucket of cold water was splashed over Pilot 03. And just for good measure, the rest of the boys were soaked. Why? Why not?  
  
"Omae o korosu!" Heero shivered in his tank top as he pointed his gun at the author yet again.  
  
"Oooh, let's get you out of those wet clothes!" Leather Lad left off his Wu Wu glomping to try and undress the Wing pilot.  
  
During the course of these events, our boys had reached the outer walls of a large and imposing castle. It was blessedly pink free.  
  
"Isn't that Maze Castle?" Wufei eyed the skull shaped entrance.  
  
"No, it's Labyrinth Castle." Heero crossed his arms and glared into the darkness beyond the outer walls.  
  
"Oh yeah! The Gate of Betrayal and all that!" An unfamiliar voice shouted excitedly.  
  
Coming up over a small hill were three figures and a blur. The blur resolved itself into a black clad, braided boy who tackled Heero to the ground.  
  
"Awwww, I wanted to do that!" A.Q. pouted at the couple on the ground.  
  
The remaining G-Boys (plus one) walked past the 1x2 that was going on to meet Duo's companions. After a round of introductions Raven asked, "Are we going to wait for them to get done?" Wufei was busily stuffing tissues up his nose to staunch the blood that was flowing freely.  
  
"Are you all going to stand out there all day?" A voice sounded from the darkness of the entryway. Suzaku walked out to glare at the people loitering on his lawn.  
  
"Hey!" Beast Boy eyed the speaker, "You're not the right guy!"  
  
The crimson bird god bishi put his hands on his hips, "The Saint Beast Suzaku is too busy playing with his ant farm or some such thing. And anyway, I'm much prettier than he is!"  
  
"So, does that mean we get to go through to 'Hell for Mad Scientists and Other Useful Characters'?"  
  
Suzaku shook his head, "Not quite, you all have to get fixed up! You can't go looking like that!"  
  
The thought of another Wizard of Oz scene made everyone cringe. "For the love of god! Not more Wizard of Oz!" Raven was still thinking of the whole skipping thing.  
  
"Why not?" Suzaku looked disappointed, "Everyone loves the Wizard of Oz!" The Southern God jumped, one hand going to his backside. Alternate Quatre had big hearts in his eyes as he looked the god over.  
  
"Marry me!!" Un-Quatre glomped Suzaku with all of his author granted glomping power.  
  
The G-boys who had been stuck traveling with the over sexed blond decided to make the most of the distraction offered by the bishi bird god and finally lose Leather Lad.  
  
"Do you think he will be okay?" Starfire looked over her shoulder at the struggle.  
  
"He'll be fine! I mean, he is a god after all!" Duo bounced cheerfully along beside Heero, happy to be in the presence of his taciturn lover again.  
  
Awaiting the group where the Gate of Betrayal should have been was a set of tracks and several little mining car style...thingies. "Welcome to Labyrinth Castle! Please be seated, four to a car. Keep all limbs inside while the ride is in motion or we will forcibly remove them." An evil cackle punctuated the little speech as a pair of schoolgirl demons shoved everyone by fours into the cars.  
  
"What the hell is this?" The cars were rolling along at a leisurely pace, currently suspended over the lava pit where Kuwabara fought with Byakko. Cheap colored water flowed between the pillars.  
  
"The lava in the show was animated using the exact same CGI as the Cave of Wonders scene in Aladdin." A little floating eyeball squeaked.  
  
Trowa was actually looking interested in what the eyeball had to say. "So that's how they did it? Hey look, Quatre! That's the pillar that Byakko stood on!"  
  
"Yes dear..." The little Arabian had slipped into the depths of his mind like he always did when it came to Trowa and Yu Yu Hakusho.  
  
Beast Boy was twitching in his seat. "Can't this thing go any faster?" Raven was vainly trying to stay away whilst Starfire was showing the same kind of interest Trowa had for their surroundings.  
  
"Why yes, yes it can." The eyeball gave the impression that it was grinning like a maniac before it pushed a button on the little remote it held in one tentacle. Everyone was slammed back into their seats as the cars sped off through the rest of the castle, past little mock-ups of scenes from the Four Saint Beast episodes and badly made wax dummies. The cars screeched to a halt outside, dumping the Titans and pilots unceremoniously on the ground.  
  
"Who ever else thinks that sucked, raise your hands!" Duo already had his up in the air and was joined by about four others. Trowa had been happy with the ride, as was Starfire, and Wu Wu kitty was too busy puking his guts out to raise his hand.  
  
"Guys, I think we've arrived."  
  
---  
  
"When are these people supposed to arrive?" Hiei asked, staring at the door as he had been for the last hour.  
  
"Any minute, Vash had said." Kurama tiled his head in the direction of the bar where a heated argument over who had the best gravity defying hair was going on between the gunslinger and a pink haired man in a skirt. They were being watched by a martini drinking Michelin Man wannabe, though one must admit that Fisheye is a lot cuter than the Michelin Man could ever hope to be, and a long haired blond in tiger striped tights.  
  
"My hair is sooo much better than yours! You look like a broom!" Hawkeye wobbled in his three-inch heels drunk completely off his ass.  
  
The kitsune shook his head, having decided to tune out the conversation. Though it was the only form of entertainment at the moment, since they had to be in the main hall so they could meet the boys, and girls, and show them around.  
  
"HEY! ANYONE HOME??"  
  
The doors were thrown open to reveal our ever-growing groups of heroes. They piled into the hall, slamming the door behind them. "Ouch! What'd ya do that for?" The door swung open again to reveal Alternate Quatre, rubbing his nose where the door had slammed into it. Heero began grumbling under his breath, hand reaching for his gun.  
  
"Excuse me..." Kurama attempted to get the attention of the group.  
  
"..." Trowa fainted.  
  
"Ah, Trowa!" Both Quatres rushed to the side of the Unibanged One to help him back up. Trowa regained consciousness quickly.  
  
"Its Kurama!!!" He squealed like a schoolgirl before rushing the redhead and glomping him much in the fashion of Alternate Quatre. Bad, bad Trowa. You should know better than that.  
  
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" A sword point hovered in front of the otaku pilot's exposed eye as Hiei glared for all he was worth at the one who dared accost his koi.  
  
"And Hiei too!" Trowa looked like he had died and gone to heaven as he disregarded the weapon facing him and glomped the shocked fire youkai. Regular Quatre was shaking his head.  
  
"He's really obsessed, isn't he?" Asked the author.  
  
"You should know you're worse than he is!" Quatre looked like he was ready to go into another Zero System fit. "You did this to my Trowa!!!"  
  
"Maybe we should all go to the cafeteria and talk...?" Kurama tried to wrench Trowa's arms off of Hiei, who was beginning to turn an odd shade of blue.  
  
---  
  
Eventually, they got Trowa calmed down. This had involved some time alone with Quatre and the finding of a large Youko Kurama plushie for him to cling to.  
  
At the sight of an enormous refrigerator, the travelers realized that they were pretty damned hungry.  
  
Duo opened up the fridge. "Anyone want anything?" Hiei perked up instantly at the thought of something to soothe his damaged pride and throat, "Ice cream." Duo rummaged around a moment before getting a coat and crawling into the freezer. Several minutes later he emerged with a small container in hand. "No ice cream, just some frozen yogurt."  
  
The diminutive fire demon's nose wrinkled, "Frozen yogurt is no substitute for ice cream."  
  
The braided baka waved the container at him, "But it's Ben and Jerry's!" Hiei slapped the hand away, sending the evil yogurt flying across the room, "I don't care who made it, it tastes like dog snot!" The Cheery Braided One plunked down in a chair and leaned over to Kurama, "Is he always this charming?"  
  
"Oh, he's behaving himself as well as he can after being shoved into this story." The redhead had a point. It was amazing any of them had maintained some modicum of sanity by this point in the story.  
  
"I guess you're right." Duo shrugged, taking off the coat and trying to sit in Heero's lap.  
  
"You know what," The author interrupted, "I'm gonna stop right here. Kurama- kun..."  
  
The youko in human form cringed slightly, "Hai, Mizuki-san?"  
  
"I'll let you get everyone ready for the big battle scene that's going to start in chapter twelve."  
  
"Why me?"  
  
"Because I love ya!"  
  
"Oh, just go away already, you stupid ningen!" Hiei grumbled, still upset over the lack of proper ice cream.  
  
"Fine, I will."  
  
---  
  
A/N: This is making less and less sense as it goes on. Even I'm starting to get confused! I don't think any of the remaining chapters will be this long. And, as you can tell, I once again got stuck not being able to cut off the chapter. The fireworks burned my brain. Happy 4th of July! ::just likes the fireworks:: I'm about as patriotic as a rock.  
  
Chapter 12: The return of the Devil herself and the beginning of the battle! 


End file.
